An easy thing to happen to anyone

Every morning, I go downstairs to collect my newspapers. I take The Daily Express and The Brighton Argus. Naturally, within the privacy of my own home, I do this in the state of dress with which I find myself upon getting out of bed. I've never liked pyjamas, they are too constrictive, so since I got my first home, I have slept naked. There is, as far as I'm aware (although to be honest with you, dear reader, I'm beginning to question this) no law about being naked in your own house.

The only problem with nakedness in your own home during the summer, I thought, was the insidious danger of bees and wasps. As I picked up my newspapers, I heard the familiar buzzing sound and thought "danger". As a National Serviceman, I learnt to never shirk such challenges to one's homestead, so I set about repelling the intruder with the rolled up Argus. I can only assume I tripped in the attempt, because the next thing I can remember is a smashing noise and waking up in a paddling pool with my next door neighbour's 2-year old girl, with a wasp on my glans. I gingerly swiped at my manhood, but the wasp was clearly agitated by the splashing, screaming and sounds of approaching sirens and stung me.

Now, not a lot of people know that a localised wasp sting on the bell end produces a rich, firm and long-lasting erection. However, I'd expect a member of Her Majesty's Constabulary to be armed with such basic knowledge. Instead, I was stunned to be met with what I can only describe as a hysterical and over-the-top reaction. In hindsight, a 63 year old naked gentleman with an erection and a gash on his anus, bleeding into a paddling pool containing a 2-year old girl in someone else's garden could be construed as being "dirty". However, I am a firm believer in innocence until otherwise proven, and to be honest, from the look on the Magistrate's face, you'd think he was listening to a simpleton.

When I finally got home, I learnt that a local woman who's sister has advanced Leukaemia walked naked down my very street later that day, raising money for charity! She got a police escort and cheers, I have to sign the Sex Offenders' Register for the next 6 months. It really is one rule for them and another for me.